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6 WAYS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

SAMAEL

2008-10-25 00:08:51

Arts & Entertainment

So the World has been taken over by flesh-eating horde after flesh-eating horde of relentless and downright diskish Zombies. The major cities have fallen and most utilities are useless due to the fact that those overlooking such things are either dead, zombified, or lazy. Nonetheless, here you are, alive and probably bored. Spooky, eh? Yet a problem remains, how can you exploit this? Even if you have read books on the subject, chances are you won't really know how to find the silver lining in all of this. How do you make the best of it? Lets explore your options here. Well, first off you can…

1) Start a New Society
As seen in: Land of the Dead, Robert Kirkman's comic series The Walking Dead

Chances are you are not the only person still alive, because, lets face it, what skills do you possess that will aid in survival in a dystopian wasteland crawling with the undead that no one else has? If it was luck, chances are they're others out there just as lucky as you. Chances are even greater that if you've made it this far without a grizzly death at the hand of a mobile corpse then it was probably because you found a group of fellow survivors to travel with. Don’t be ashamed if you did, it's a resourceful way to both stay alive and have some fun.

In the likely chance that you are in a group of survivors, try and find a semi-stable place for survival (you'll need to reference a different source for that as this is purely to give suggestions on how to have fun with a zombie apocalypse, the survival bit is up to you) so you can create a better sense of humanity within the chaos that is the World. Take advantage of other survivors by working with them to help rebuild a new society (possibly a Nudist one, if you can swing it) or better yet, just exploit them. Go crazy with this; shit has hit the fan, let that crazy come out and see what you can build a society on. If you're a Man, I suggest using the "it's Biology" excuse to score yourself multiple wives. If you're a woman, I suggest rallying all the women to create an Amazonian style society. The rules are being re-written here, don't be afraid to explore some political and social extremes.

2) Don't Hesitate to be the Bad Guy
As seen in: anything involving zombies and living individuals with sordid opinions and varying tempers.

You'd be surprised how much fun it can be being an unapologetic asshole. Now that you've seen the city/town/rural area/country that you love so dearly drown in a Romeroesque sea of blood and carnage you really don't have to question if a God exists, so if you're a dick you're not gonna get punished in any "Hell." Take charge of the situation at hand and let loose the pit bull that is your sanity and see what happens.

If you're in a party of survivors, show them whose the boss by threatening to kill them all if they don't meet your demands (best to have demands ready before hand). Chances are someone, if not a few people, will be on your side. As long as you have the most guns and choose the best time to strike who is going to say a word against you? Maybe the guy that watched his family die, and as a result doesn't care if he lives or dies, will probably say something, if so just make sure you don't miss the big picture with this one – he doesn't care if he dies and you have the guns!

3) Conduct Experiments
As seen in: Day of the Dead, Re-Animators series

If you're one of those scientific types, feel free to conduct some experiments that would've been considered controversial within the moral standards of the past.

Because it is getting harder and harder to find observations to build up a single original hypothesis (unless you have a lot of money and too much timeon your hands), the masses of walking corpses sauntering around will provide ample resource for any would-be scientist (even if you got a C+ in Earth Science). These things are perfect for experimental surgery because you can't really be called immoral for slicing up something that is dead to begin with. So go right ahead and grab yourself a body, crack it open and find out what makes these things tick. Seriously. What makes them be not dead? If you're good enough you may even find a cure for this shit. For those that are a bit shaky with the Periodic Table, see what happens when you fill their exposed innards with Coca Cola. What if that cured them? That would fucking rock so hard.


Make sure the zombie is properly restrained when conducting experiments – shit is already bad enough without your lazy ass going soft with the straps


4) Release the Badass Within
As seen in: Land of the Dead, Resident Evil film series, Resident Evil 0 through 4 and Outbreak I – II (really all RE videogames except Code Veronica because it made no goddamn sense).

Zombies walking around taking up space? Target practice! If you're low on ammunition I recommend you take them on hand-to-hand to prove what kind of He-Man (or He-Lady) you really are. Depending on your situation, you might find yourself forced into this scenario, which will probably take the fun out of it and make it seem like work. When that does happen, just try to remind yourself that what you’re doing looks totally kickass.

Imagine this, but only real


5) Explore Urges Most Tempting
As seen in: Dawn of the Dead (where they start looting), Return of the Living Dead, The Walking Dead (whenever someone talks about the ills of humanity).

Similar situation as with Option # 2: now that God has left you, what's stopping you from indulging in all things downright creepy and perverse? All bets are off, and so you can do whatever the fuck you want. Loot, hoard, murder, tax fraud, whatever. The World is your playground for sinning, just as long as those asshole zombies stay out of your way.

Seem crazy? Did you know they called the Marquis de Sade crazy? But now they've made movies about his work and he is still referred to as a "the," can you attest to such feats within your lifetime? Maybe a few of you can. It depends what you did before zombies took over everything.

Quick question for those of you with shaky morals: is it necrophilia if they can still move?


Seriously! Does it count?


6) Document It All Via Camcorder (Not Recommended)
As seen in: Diary of the Dead

Two reasons why I don't recommend this: 1) chances are if you're videotaping the massacre of the living that you'll soon be dead because you were too busy videotaping it happen instead of running, and 2) if you are videotaping shit hitting the metaphorical fan, then you were probably one of those dicks that recorded everything (e.g. that ass at the party recording everyone's reaction to having a camera in their face) and it's obvious you haven't changed. No one is going to want to watch it anyways. An apocalypse is going down so get that fucking camera out of my face or else I won't come to your aid when you scream "Help, I’m being eaten to death." It's a death well deserved, my friend. Fucking well deserved.


Just fucking drop it!


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