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Me, during my morning stretches

MY RESUME

SAMAEL

2008-09-06 21:21:58

Creative Writing

As a current and seemingly permanent employee of Starbuck Co. I have taken it upon myself to be more pro-active in getting myself the fuck out. However, as a devote Lethargic Bastard (title that one must take schooling for) I post this, my resume, in a fledgling community website in order for others to, hopefully, see it, read it, Arc it, and possibly hire me out of sheer amazement.

Height: 6'0" (6'2" in heels)
Weight: 178 lbs.
Hair: Feathery yet thick coif of Cinnamon brown.
Eyes: Dull stare of a herded Sheep.

Objective:

To obtain a high paying position in any field that doesn't 1) routinely use Mathematics past the grade point skill of Gr. 10, 2) require a rudimentary understanding of the French language, and 3) have anything to do with Coffee or the colour Green. As a current student, my schedule is limited, so I must stress that I can only work within flexible hours along with the ability to do fuck all while "working."

Selected List of Skills:

· Can write up to 62 words per minute
· Can speak up to 75 words per minute
· The ability to decipher Eastern Coffee from African Coffee (hint: there is a subtle difference in the taste of the blood and tears that are worked into it)

Selected List of Accomplishments:

· Have beaten Super Mario World in no more than 56 minutes and 45 seconds (along with additional secret levels discovered).
· Defeated the Pepsi challenge and promptly choose the Coca Cola for its cool and refreshing taste over the overly sugary and seemingly lack-luster taste of Pepsi. Cough…
· Abs
· Can play 45% of all songs on Guitar Hero on the actual guitar. The other 55% remain unlearned because they suck.
· Defeated the Vancouver Grouse Grind in under 35 minutes and threw up only once.
· In the summer of 2006 on the outskirts of Seattle, while still suffering from Sun Stroke, I defended my comrades (and my found pile of metal pipes) from a group of Lepers hellbent on killing us (and stealing my pipes).
· I have conducted a series of successfully Youtube videos under the moniker of CollectionTF
A keen example of the decisiveness, knowledge and objectivity that I display in all my videos

· For a period of time, I operated as renegade protector of the poor in the village of Nicaragua. Cloaked by the veil of night, and during non-snack-related periods of the day, acted as the savior of the citizens that worked in the ill-fated blood plasma mines. I also operated a pet shop that exclusively sold Guardabarranco on my down time. The Cuban press dubbed me El Diablo Blanco, however, to the people I was known only as El Maravillosamente Melenudo, The White-Boy Savior of the People. That's fucking tight, eh?

Work History

·March 2007 - April 2008, July 2008 – Present
o Starbucks Co. Barista: I tried leaving once. I really really really hate it there.
· November 2005 – Feb 2007
o Morrey Mazda Lot Boy at the North Shore Auto Mall location: I escaped purely because I thought Starbucks would somehow benefit me. How wrong I was.

To contact me, you can send your praise and money orders to as.modest.as.dillinger@gmail.com . You can also scan my blog at As.Modest.As.Dillinger for further evidence that I am both hirable and mentally well balanced.
Comments

alishahnovin

alishahnovin

2008-09-06 22:56:39

I suddenly have a desire to create a company, just so I can hire you.

Alamir

Alamir

2008-09-06 23:02:26

This a well-put together resume. At first I was scared that you were just using filler words such "extensive knowledge" and "objectivity" but after viewing your video it was nice to see a live display of such characteristics put into action.

jeopardy

jeopardy

2008-09-07 15:58:06

hahaha. i love it. i wish i had something to offer you!

Alamir

Alamir

2008-10-25 20:43:52

"A keen example of the decisiveness, knowledge and objectivity that I display in all my videos"
Me, Natalie, Reza, Lindsay are laughing at it....



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